“Let the lesson sew itself into your bones.”
I wish I had come up with the phrase, but I didn’t, it was Vanessa. Beautiful words, beautiful conversation, beautiful everything.
I sat outside on my deck watching the sunlight sparkle off the leaves. It does indeed sparkle in the morning light particularly when you have fallen in love. I remember the first time the trees sparkled for me. It was late summer, it was evening, and the sky was turning a dusky pink. This feeling as if seeing the world how angels do, all glittery wonder. That wonder of feeling so connected to another human soul that for some reason, everything suddenly makes sense, all the pain, all the heartache, everything is worth it to have this feeling. This feeling that suddenly you are not alone. You have found what you have sought your whole life and didn’t even know. That feeling you thought was just for a book or the movies.
The second time I felt it, it was gold and reds, and shimmering people, and crimson carpet coming up to meet my feet. My heart beating like a thousand butterfly wings, my head full of music, glorious music. My synesthete self still had sound rippling through my veins, that knowing, the kind of knowing that lives in the secret places of your body. It was different than before, more intense more… everything. I think I almost ran down the hall to embrace him, and when I did it was like coming home that sense of wholeness that comes from meeting yourself in another person.
This moment was the third time I had fallen in love. But I was alone, very much so, sitting on my deck, feeling the breeze on my neck, watching the light transfer from the leaves to a lone dragonflies blue iridescent wings. It was that feeling of wholeness again. And everything glittered gold. I looked around at the world I had created out of the ashes of my own death and broken dreams. This home, with my red lotus room, and my Southern Magnolia waiting to be planted, the French doors open wide to the morning, as I drank coffee, and cried joyful tears, waking up to me again. No need to chase or trip over someone to find this feeling, there was no need to look for it outside of myself, it was me, just simple me, and the light and my intense expressive way of experiencing life in words. These words that tickled me and tugged at my toes like little children crying out to come play. It was me with me, my beloved, my tribe.
How could I not fall in love with the positive joyfulness of experiencing the colors and coolness of a fall morning. How could I not be blissed out by words bouncing off my eyelids, the self-knowledge of knowing what the deepest desire of my heart was and then, following that without apology, or the absolute pleasure of experiencing joy after such pain. Or the realization and knowledge that love and grief is both and one in the same, and the confidence to enter in once again, to love, yet with the wisdom of knowing, when the pain comes it does not mean that there is not love, it does not mean you must run, it means you say simply, “This, this we carry together. These feelings sewn into our bones, are both of ours. We have knitted ourselves together.
This is what I need to fully breathe, this complexity of feeling. This falling in love with my own depth of emotion in all it’s fury and rage, grace, compassion, dark sorrow, passion, and ecstasy, that is cooled down by kava tea at night and gentled into a softness reflected in the candlelight. How could I ever expect another man to bare it with me until I had come to this place, this golden morning where I learned not only to bare it, but fall madly and hopelessly in love with it. Till I learned not to dull the brightness of the refracted light off shimmering leaves, or people or dragonfly wings. To understand that this depth of feeling wasn’t something to run from, it was the essence of my being.
I had always left me…
I did not fear…
I have learned to stay by my own side…through every emotion….and not apologize.