Be Real :Recovery from Running Away through Love and Fantasy

This post is a love story… it’s about waking up, it’s about recovery.

We all have addictions, it could be drugs, alcohol, your smart phone, or the fantasy of romantic love.  Addiction is escapism.  My addiction was romantic love, it could just be the Libra in me, or the writer in me with an imagination that keeps stories flowing through my head on an hourly basis.  Waking up taught me, reality is more of a love story then heart pounding fantasy induced melodrama.  There is a part of me that will always do my best to be creative and whimsical in love, it’s just who I am, but grounded love, the kind of love that asks…what I can I give to this amazing person in my life?  That answer hopefully is something along the lines of, “The best version of myself”.

And is this man…just as open…to give me, “The best version of himself.”

And are we both mature enough to work on this vision…together, learn to love together, forgive each other, together.

And realize…yes…we both indeed are worthy of this type of real love.

Sometimes the worst things that happen are the best things that happen… sometimes….

…as painful as they seem at the time.

I guess that’s why Haley Quinn’s Ted talk captures me, her story is much like my story, and millions of men and women’s stories.

“I was a magnet for chaos, because when I was in chaos, I didn’t have to confront anything about myself. Truthfully, I hadn’t known myself for years.  Love is sold to us as the absolute solution to ourselves. The absolute distraction to fixing ourselves.”
“Crazy, ridiculous on/off relationships, or needing to go out with a different person every single day of the week…in this it feels like loneliness is the driver or escapism is the driver…not love. The answer lies not within another person it lies within your self. The melodrama of love takes us further away rather then closer to who we actually.” Haley Quin

Those of us who found ourselves shattered by heartbreak then having to get up off the floor and clean up the pieces of ourselves.  Sweeping up each piece, gently placing it back together.  One day you finally, put one of the last pieces in and you look at yourself, and suddenly…you seem…real again.

REal V

You are real again…and different in a pieced together sort of way.  You know you now.  You know where your loose threads are, and how to tell people not to pull them, you know that you must be held gently energetically, and those people that take that energy from you…you steer clear of.

It is wise….to stop…and ask…why?  Why did this happen?  Why weren’t we real before?

“If you are experiencing Groundhog Day when it comes to your dating life….truism aren’t true at all…the problem is with you, it’s with me.. It’s with our ridiculous ideas of romance, with our needs we haven’t realized, its with our past we don’t want to talk about, it’s with our desires, with our inability to get through one day without our smart phones, it’s with what we value…..When you are in love you don’t have to think about your needs, your wants, your past, actually kind of all the stuff from becoming happy. Instead you get to be entrapped by someone else, when you mind has someone new to spiral into and focus on are focused on that perfect romance you are not focused on those things that will make you happy.”-Haley Quinn

You might come to realize this happened, because of you.  I think when we come to know ourselves, we treat ourselves better and other people.   I think it’s unnecessary to learn through this type of pain.  It’s harmful to yourself, it’s harmful to the other person.  I think this type of pain is the direct result of unconsciousness.  Addiction of any sort causes pain, ironically it’s always the result of trying to mask pain.

That is why the best thing you can do for yourself…and your fellow humans is to

“Know thyself.” As Socrates says.

I would add,

“And thy patterns.”  Then get to the why…why am I doing this?  Take the pointing finger, turn it around to you, and deal with it!  Deal with you.  Then STOP!…stop the madness.  Start redirecting or should I say replacing your addiction with positive action.

Go for a walk.

Write a story.

Make some music.

Read a book.


Be kind to a stranger.

Be kind to someone you love.

Pay your bills.

Write a letter.

Sit quietly for 15 minutes.

Pet a cat.

Go sledding…yes…even if you are in your 40s and beyond.

Go to an art gallery…alone.

See a play…alone.

Take a bath.

Drink some tea.

Call your Mom…call your friend…call God.

“When we confront our aloneness, when we deal with our past and our needs, and all that horrible pain that we as people collect and carry with us through our lives and when we deal with that and we are not running from that through endless people, when we don’t have anything to prove anymore, when you don’t need a ridiculous on/off again relationship in order to feel alive in order to fell like you exist, when you can just be, I kinda actually think that’s real love”-Haley Quinn

Yeah…I kinda think that’s actually real love too.

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