“Although the woman seems to have some epiphany about herself and her relationship to her husband, it’s the working out of their relationship that is key here, not her self-awareness.”-A Christmas Tree Tale’s Editor
It’s 2018, I’m in rewrites for A Christmas Tree Tale. I’m working on getting it to a bookstore near you by Christmas. After I spent the morning in tearful contemplation…yes, yes…tears come often these days as I wrestle with myself and God just keeps mirroring back to me, everything that’s keeping me from being the loving person he made be to be.
My editor had fantastic feedback for my book, but what she sent regarding the main protagonist’s epiphany had me laughing out loud at the utter brilliance of God speaking through her to me.
In brief, in my story there’s a break-up, the woman comes to self realization at the end…basically…she’s been self centered, and this lead to her love, leaving her. Again…more to it then that…but you get the gist. The story is based off personal experience. Just like a self-possessed writer like myself…to miss the whole gosh darn point of a story that was trying to be written through me. I think many of us artistic creative types fight this…”it’s all about me” mentality a time or two….which I find comical, because what we do isn’t about us at all…it’s about creating…which is a selfless by design
I’m maddening…really…I am.
So…this is why I am not married to my true love…because of exactly what my editor picked up on. A love story is not a story of my “self awareness and discovery” which my relationship had been a time or too…it’s about working on the relationship.. And not just working out the relationship. Love is about “the relationship” period. Essentially…the other person, and the bond that you have together, the consistency to show up, be loyal, and just love each other…it’s that flipping simple.
You see…my editor, after a year of seeking why the greatest love I had ever experienced didn’t work out…gave me my answer.
True love isn’t about me, or my self awareness, or what can be gained from love. It’s not competitive. It’s focus isn’t on each other…it’s on…you know…”the thing”. “The thing” that can’t be named, no no…not Voldemort, even though love gone wrong is pretty much turning like into a Voldemort. “The thing”, well I can only describe it as that bubble of creative light and energy that you share together. That energy that lights you up, that spiritual connectivity between too souls. It’s not about you! And it’s not to heal your brokenness…nope…not one bit. Even though, I believe that if you love, really love and actually live that love, then you can be healed of your brokenness.
Ugh, I hate it when I realize my ex-boyfriend was/is right…and more self-actualized then I was this past year….I say that with love for him of course….darn him for being smarter then me, and I say that with a grin, because…he really is. He got it…and I was too busy thinking that I had all the answers, or just too busy wallowing in sorrow and reconciliation fantasies. It was like I was deaf and blind…I couldn’t hear and I couldn’t see him because all I could see was my own pain. When he was struggling in November and December of last year, all I saw was some grandiose vision for him that had nothing to do with him at all….it had everything to do with me.
I was a self-centered ass. And not just once…over and over and over again. I was twisted and hurtful thorn bush when I didn’t get what I wanted. The things I said and did I still carry the shame of that, I think that’s why I cry a lot now; when I didn’t cry for almost a decade. Because the way I behaved wasn’t in alignment with who I am deep down and who God created me to be. And it took him leaving and never coming back for me to actually wake-up.
So…yes…I am rewriting the reconciliation scene of my story. To show what this love story is about…it’s about the relationship…the thing beyond the thing…it really is about God and heaven. Which love is.
My greatest hope is that people will read this story, and reflect on their own relationships, be reminded of the love they share
….and not be like me.