I was driving out to the barn listening to Tori Amos, Hey Jupiter. A sad song, not because I was sad, rather, it was on. I found myself filled with emotion as she sang about heartbreak.
“You’re apocalypse was fab. Left my heart soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess.”
For anyone that has endure the unendurable, it hits home.
After you endure it, you are never quite the same. My new superpower was crying. The sort of tender hearted crying, when I’m moved by music, or a story, or I’m happy for someone, or sharing in another’s grief. I cry at Spirtual talks, mass, YouTube videos, you name it…anything that tugs at my heart strings I cry.
I am happy I cry and I am tender because for 18 years I didn’t cry.
I was speaking to a good friend who held the wisdom of 60 years in his eyes. “You should go out and meet someone?”
“ I lost 3 people in my last heartbreak. I lost my family. That was enough for me.” Then…of course…tears…but not weepy tears, the strong kind, silent, washing the windows to your soul.
So it didn’t surprise me one bit that the song made me cry when I heard it…
This is what did surprise me, shook me to my core. I wasn’t sad anymore…I was filled with the most intense gratitude and love. Gratitude that I understand and have experienced the deep connection of two people who share souls. That sort of connection that people write poems, and songs about, and is a part of Trinity and this beautiful divine dance we call life. And once you experience it, you know that God is real and love is sacred, and it calls you to be something more then you are. And the lessons of moving through it, the grief, you realize, how this love is a sacred space, and because you have experienced it, you can experience it in other things. The way the sunlight hits the mason jar of honey, in the nicker of your horse as you enter the barn, when your daughter isn’t afraid to tell you all her thoughts because you’ve created a home where judgement and punishment and boxes don’t exist. I experienced it today as I lay in the grass next to my horse, staring at the clouds slowly meader through a perfect blue sky, the openness and wonder of it, the sky was love proclaiming itself.
Past the pain, the grief, the loss, the anger…there is such a deep thankfulness to have loved and been loved, and loved children that were not my own, to experience it…even briefly, to know that was it! That was love. That was God calling us into maturity and depth, and wanting us to share in the abundance of relationship with him and with each other.
I don’t know why my lessons had to be learned the way that they were. But I’ve stopped asking why and simply say thank you, for all if it…every single bit of it.
How grateful I am, to have finally arrived at the beginning of things again.