One

“it’s much easier to live in denial. It seems we are not that free to be honest, or even aware, because most of our garbage is buried in the unconscious. So it is absolutely necessary that we find a spirituality that reaches to that hidden level. If not, nothing really changes.”

-Richard Rohr

Step one: Admit you have a problem and you are powerless over it.

It could be drugs, alcohol, spending, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy obsessions, all those secrets we hold. We are only as sick as our secrets.

Whatever it is, one can only stave off the dark bottom for so long, or deny you are living in it.

This one is hard for me, because powerlessness is not something I do well. I pride myself on pulling myself up and controlling my life.

But then again, you are in it…everything before that is simply denial.

I think getting to this step is incredibly personal.

For me it was a collusion of events, selling a house, family behaving badly, ex husband behaving badly, ex boyfriend coming back to dabble once more, realizing I had spent almost every night at the neighbors having a cocktail, financial strains, my daughters 9th birthday, and a play/ rock opera that asked…what would you do if it was the last night of the world. And as I looked around at all the people in the audience who I had the most fake connections with I went home and spiraled.

I was just as fake and it was time for me to do something about it.

This was not what I wanted.

This had to change…I had to change my life had become unmanageable, and I was responsible for changing it.

Maybe powerless isn’t such a horrible word…maybe it’s wise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s