How to Not Screw Up Love

As my last piece was about heartbreak, I would like to give your the sure fire way to prevent it, and create relationships that last, healthy homes and healthy kids, healthy everything.

”God does not love us if we change, God love us so that we can change.  Only love effects true inner transformation, not duress, guilt, shunning, or social pressure.  Love is not love unless it is totally free.

The ususal expected ego pattern is


This is totally recalibrated by Ezekiel, after experiencing the perfection of Yahweh’s love for Iserael…for him the pattern is radically changed and becomes instead:

Sin——unconditional love—-transformation—-repentance

–with our now “embarrassed and humiliated face” being our ongoing punishment and conversion! Grace is always a punishment for us.

Ezekiel the prophet, through mounting and outrageous metaphors, first disqualifies Israel as worthy of any love by reason of their complete unfaithfulness, and then he completely requalifies them by reason of the totally one-sided covenant love of God!  Whether it be the self-serving shepherds or the whoring girl or the field of dry bones, in every case Yahweh punishes them by loving them even more!  Yahweh says to Ezekiel, ” I take no pleasure in the death of a wicked man, but in the turning back of a wicked man who changes his ways to win life.  Come back, come back!  Why are you so anxious to die, House of Israel?”  Israel is, of course the standing metaphor and symbol for the individual soul and all of history.” Breathing Underwater Spirituality and the 12 steps, Rohr, 42-43.

The answer to everything, to any transformation, is to love more.  I just typed that and teared up.  Why?  Because that’s grace, and I was raised with the opposite sin punishment model.  Of course, I reflected that model in EVERY relationship I had prior to now. Duress, guilt, shame, shunning…yes, these were things that I did to people.  And when I received this treatment back, I mistook it for love.  I was a bad person and I needed punished….or they were behaving badly and needed to be shunned, as I had been shunned…and in some circles, even my own family, I still am.

Well…that’s not love.  That’s ego.

Additionally, we have the ability to love like this too, like God does, it really is a simple choice.  We do it with our children, why don’t we do it with each other?

Love is not conditional….

Let me repeat that.

Love is NOT conditional.

A hard concept for those of us who grew up with conditional love and fell in love with people who loved conditionally, and ourselves loved conditionally.  This is a new way of being, this IS the transformation that 12 step programs, spirituality, and contemplation offer.  The path toward unconditional love and grace.   And it’s not easy because your ego will fight you at every step…but that is what Jesus means when you must die to self.

When someone harms you…love them more.

When someone leaves you…love them more….let them go…but love them more.

When someone does something incredibly stupid, says something stupid, acts out…love them more…

Why?  Because what they are doing is completely unconscious.  And if we believe in God’s grace and love, that he is in us, and we are in him, then that conditional crap, isn’t who they are, or you are, or we are.

We are in this together, and the more of us who wake up to that reality, the less heartbreak there will be.  That’s heaven, this unconditional thing.  We’ve experienced it a few times, grace, guess what…we are supposed to give that to each other, no matter what, particularly if we are in a relationship with someone, because by God…being human, we will make mistakes, big ones, small ones, middle type mistakes, and if we want a relationship that lasts, then it must be a place of unconditional love and grace.  Doesn’t mean we condone bad actions,  doesn’t mean we don’t say, “No…no you don’t treat me that way, no, that behavior is not acceptable.”  We do get to call each other out on our own bullshit; but, we love each other through it at the same time.  That’s love…you might piss me off to high heaven, but I get to tell you that you do, and then I get to love you right on through.

When you can do this with yourself first then you can do it with others, and hopefully you get to do it with that person who sets your soul on fire.

That’s what I wish for you…and myself…a person/love that sets your soul on fire, where you both can practice unconditional love…together.

Like anything in life…you must practice it.  For those of us who did not grow up with unconditional love, we didn’t get our 10,000 of practice to be come an expert in it yet (Malcom Gladwell), so we may be a bit of a late blooming.  But we can do it.




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