“Soulmates aren’t the ones who make you happiest, no. They’re instead the ones who make you feel the most. Burning edges and scars and stars. Old pains and pangs, captivation and beauty. Strain and shadows and worry and yearning. Sweetness and madness and dreamlike surrender. They hurl you into the abyss. They taste like hope.” ~ Victoria Erickson
I didn’t see it coming when I met mine, in the place I least expected to find him. On line. I’m an old soul, I hate on line dating, but I figured I would try anything once, so there I was…on line. I found him among the many profiles, and his jumped out…like oh…there you are. He of course was wearing tales, which is far from what he likes to wear, but it made sense, it was a surefire way for me to recognize him…I have a Darcy complex. And of course he was all the things I desired, artistic, moody, dark, light, brilliantly talented, smart, funny, simple and complex, a duality of spirit that set my soul on fire.
And like all soulmates he brought me to a full awareness of myself, held the mirror up to my face of all the things I didn’t want to see, and then showed me everything that made me most who I am…I tasted a passion that are written about in books, it was poetry.
Then he left…and it wrecked me.
There is a hell, I’ve been there.
There is also recovery.
In time…I’ve come to this place. Sunday Brunch, with my daughter smiling and laughing across from me. My hair thrown up in a head wrap, the comfiest flowing arty black jumpsuit, writing…this is who I am. That’s the gift of soulmates…they give you…back to you. There was a before him and an after him.
Before…judgment, fear, hypocrisy, anger, resentment, a false self ruled utterly by what others thought of me.
There is the tenderness…and sweetness…and love, self in alignment with something bigger the…me. Then…love…love in places where it seemed impossible to be…like grief and shame. There was always love…there is always love…there will always be love.
And she laughs once more…at the chicken picture….and I sip my coffee…and grin with a glistening eye.