I didn’t want to wake up this morning. Maybe it was the first hint of the cold winter coming, I can’t stand being cold. But the reality was I was lonely.
The alarm continued to go off and I continued to hit snooze as if the lonliness would go away, but it just kept hanging there like some spirit that wouldn’t pass through into the next world.
I got up. Made my bed. Made my coffee and oatmeal, went directly to meditation. Still lonely. Trying to stay present, breathing, my mind was all over the place and lonliness was tapping me on the shoulder.
“Fine! I’ll just be lonely!” I said exasperated. So lonliness sat down next to me on the red chaise, and we sat together feeling empty and sad for a moment…feeling alone. Feeling sad that no one was coming to kiss me on the cheek to say good morning and wrap me up in a blanket to wick away the chill, no one. And I had chosen this life alone. So why did I have anything to be sad about?
Being alone was better then being with the wrong person, I had learned that the hard way. But if would be easier to deal with if I had never tasted what it’s like to snuggle up in the morning to a warm body you truly loved.
I assume widow and widowers feel this way…maybe we all do at some point. I know I’ve been alone in a marriage trying my best to move to the edge of the bed so I wouldn’t have to smell him or touch him. That’s worse then being lonely in your own bed.
Lonliness is something to be managed. I don’t know that I have the answers for lonliness. I just know that sometimes it hits at the worst times and that hiding from it under the covers or in mindless scrolling through Facebook doesn’t cure it. I know inviting it in helps, maybe because you realize you must make friends with this strange bedfellow in order to simply move in the morning.
Lonliness sometimes will say mean things, or maybe it’s not lonliness, just that voice in your head that I work diligently to reprogram. The voice that says, you deserve this, you screwed up, you will always be alone, no one will love you.
That’s what lies underneath lonliness.
And that is why I haven’t wanted to sit with it, I would have to hear that voice, and battle it alone. Which is the journey of every true warrior and spiritual teacher…I’ve been running from that voice for as long as I can remember.
Lonliness is to be managed, but it can also be a gift. The gift of insight lies there. Your monsters become visible, they come out of the shawdows so you can actually fight them.
You see, if these voices are not exposed, then they fester, they work in the shawdows of your unconscious mind. You find yourself pushing people away who love you because you think you don’t deserve it, or you subconsciously don’t get stuff done so that self fulfilling prophecy that you really do suck at everything comes true.
The warriors battle isn’t outside of herself, it’s within.
And lonliness maybe isn’t lonliness at all…it’s the loving friend who finally exposes the monsters so you can slay them.