I found this note on my phone this morning, from last year. This is something that my friend Martha Beck had said to me, when I was suffering through a white hot rage at somebody.
It doesn’t matter what the incident was, or who had brought on the anger. What matters is the understanding and wisdom about how to restore peace.
Something I have learned in life is that people who have no boundaries are constantly furious. Furious, victimized, hurt, offended, and outraged. If you cannot figure out how to uphold the healthy, accurate, and appropriate distance between yourself and every person in your life (and it will be a different distance for every person in your life) then you will never know a moment of serenity.
Not everybody gets to have full access to you. Trust and intimacy must be earned. (People will help you with this project by constantly showing you who they really are. Create your boundaries accordingly. To do anything else is naive and immature.)
So: Who are you furious at today? Now look closely at your history with them. Find the moment when you allowed that person to come closer to you than they had earned the right to come.
Now figure out how to reestablish (or establish for the first time) a wiser boundary.
When they are held the correct distance from you, you will stop hating them. Until then, you are just using this person as a weapon to beat yourself up with. Put an end to it. Stand in your dignity and set your own terms.
You can do this.