“You have to keep breaking your heart, until it opens.”-Rumi
There will come a time in your life, maybe when you are very much alone, sitting in the calm stillness of your own suchness, that your heart will awaken. It wasn’t by a lover, not by a friend, not by family, or child. These people were always there to point the way.
You will take a thousands paths to get there, you will die a thousand deaths. And in each death, you will reinvent yourself once again, another mold, another version of you creating you, and then you’ll smash it once more. Until finally, you utterly and completely let go, this alleged madness of surrender to what, you are not quite sure. All those things you are powerless over, all those things you can’t control, all those stinging thoughts, regrets, sadness.
The big why? Why? Why did this happen?
The Why matters.
You can’t find the why in another person, a friend, a lover, a parent, a child. None of these people hold the why. Oh, they will give you their opinions, but take them all with a grain of salt. They are simply their experiences revised and rewritten to try and comprehend what can’t be comprehended by another person…your life. Your youness .The why is only answerable by something beyond you. Surrender
Surrender to what is, complete and utter surrender. I will try my best to describe what this is like, and what an awakened heart feels like.
It came to me when I began to trust my own weird wild heart. And allow it to love what it wanted. It is trusting all those feelings to be true and good and purposeful. Even when my ego and the world would say it was madness. My own addiction to falsehood. It was going where I don’t want to go, inside, and listening to what is there. But also seeing what is.
Your ego will fight you every step of the way, when you surrender. it’s been fighting this whole time, because it means…it can’t survive when you awaken. When you know you can generate your own love. It was never outside of you, it was never in another person, place or thing. It wasn’t even in the dream of what you thought would make you happy. But…that dream, like heartbreak, points the way to your true north.
This place, where other peoples opinions fade into the dark shadow behind you, as you open a new door.
“It is in this place of the wound, where the light enters in.” I stared at my wound this evening and instead of running from it, the wound that was the deepest cut, such that it never seemed to heal quite right. I had bandaged it and given it time, I had pretended that it was completely healed. Even fooled myself a time or two.
I allowed myself to let it be. I let it speak and heartbreak told me…everything.
Cross legged on the chaise, I surrendered to it, the beginning of it, letting all memories flood over me, and then it happened. The space in my solar plexus began to feel cavernous, like a great open space, a big sky over a sea of grass. It was like a lotus flower opening wide and in it was a space of such magnamenous love that tears began rolling down my cheeks. This large flower in the middle of my chest seemed to grow and expand to fill the space even outside of myself. The heartbreak, all of it was held with such love in the middle of this flower. I sent this feeling out energetically.
May they be happy, may they feel this love, may they be at peace, may they have joy.
An empty cup has nothing to give another, I had been an empty cup for so many years.
But an awakened heart is source itself.
There is no fear to withhold, there is no fear that love will be taken away, there is no jealousy, or anger, bitterness. Why? Because the awakened heart has found the source of love. If someone goes, you release in love, if they return you open your arms in love.
It really is, that simple. There is no worry in it. Why worry or be upset when all the love you need is inside you. There is no need to be loved, adored, respected, given attention, why? What need do I have for such things? Can I share with you instead? Can I share a thought, a feeling, a laugh, a beautiful thing, a song, a poem?
I can drink from it whenever I like, and share my heart with whomever wishes to come sit with me and drink of it. Let your own wild, creative heart shine. You can’t put a light under a bushel.
I think every ones journey to this surrender is different, but beyond your worst fears that letting go brings lies the answer to everything you seek. No need to be angry for getting the lesson when you get it. Some get it early, some late, some in between, some not in this life.
It is the most peaceful feeling I have had …to love people as they are even when they are not doing what you want. I say that with a laugh. You may think this whole post very strange, how “unhuman” of me to absolutely love the unlovableness of a heartbreak…many heartbreaks. But, now I see…heartbreak is the illusion of grasping on to something that never was real. Love isn’t something that can be broken.
Everything is possible with love…everything.
And I will never doubt again.
I will never pull or push…why? To what end? The utter silliness to begin a love story with a kidnapping. Love is such a glorious organic thing. There is no need to seek it anymore…I have a garden of love inside me.
And that garden is fertilized with forgiveness. Of myself and others.
It is in forgiveness that peace is…God is…forgiveness…God is the Lotus Flower of my heart. And with God there is no need for walls, or ego, or fear…with God I simply… be.
I’m not alone anymore.