“Never funnel love into social standards. It make you miserable.”-Benjamin
Let me tell you a secret…well, a not so well kept secret, or maybe very well kept. So well kept that it literally lives inside of you. I stumbled across it last night at exactly 11:35 PM, while staring heartbreak in the face. Strange how pretty heartbreak looks, all smiles; heartbreak is always the type of pretty you want to kiss.
Part of this secret too is, not to listen to it one bit. Like the myriad of inspirational quotes and memes that salt social media, they are simply regurgitate of other stories other lives that may have nothing to do with your own tale of awakening. Which indeed is a lovely little tale of death. The awakened have all died a time or two. And each death like each individual soul is unique.
So, staring at The Pretty and wanting to kiss it, I felt a pang at the same time. That pang was always there, no matter how much I pretended it wasn’t. So I stopped pretending and let the pang, ping pong in my chest. I gave up to it, surrendered to it, let it rattle like a wheeze. And then said, well…welcome. We will just sit here, me and “ping pong” pang in lotus pose accepting each other for who we are. I accepted my wild, persistent, dramatic, colorful heart and let her just be.
When it happened. The opening right in that wounded place that I had been bandaging up for a few years, blowing on it like a burn hoping it would heal faster with a cool breath.
My heart wasn’t meant to heal, it was meant to break open.
Part of the secret, part of the surrender is realizing, some things aren’t meant to be healed, they are meant to break open to reveal the treasure inside.
It felt like there was a big sea of open blue sky inside me. What I was seeking wasn’t outside me at all, it was right there in the middle of my chest, in the middle of my broken heart, which wasn’t broken at all, it was just a big cathedral of space where the air permeated an acceptance and allowance of what is. And loving what is, and how it is, and not wanting The Pretty…The Beautiful to change one bit. Pretty things become beautiful when they are dimensionally dark and light.
This space, if I sit and meditate with it opens slowly and softly then radiates all around me and I feel as though I can send this love out to everyone and anyone, and it makes me so peaceful and happy to know. The source of all things, is right here in me. And I can drink from this love any moment that I like, and offer it up like honey tea to anyone who wants to join me on the chaise lounge and laugh a bit, at life, and love, and big dramatic hearts.
“With the knowledge that the love you seek is within it unlocks great power and potential inside you, when you don’t have to grasp and strive to find what you want outside of you it frees you up to do so much more.
You find true happiness and peace with yourself. Then, when you find it. with someone else or connect to someone else on deeper levels you become that much more fulfilled and it propels you further.”
Awakening…is such a lovely peaceful thing. Never again to grasp or cling is as peaceful as the spring breeze, that is just now sauntering in my open French doors.
Love is bigger than you think, it is wiser than you can ever imagine, and the pain left last night…and hasn’t returned since. I think it tries sometimes, but it just keeps getting gobbled up by this lotus flower love living in my chest. This fierce solid love which holds everyone in its energy field.
And I will never doubt again, this love of mine…it can hold all things as is.