I deleted my Facebook App this morning. Right after I lit a candle, made my coffee at 5:30AM and messaged a friend who was questioning himself on love and loss.
“This TED is one of the best I have heard. For me, it is because it speaks to the truth of things which I have uncovered through my own life. You don’t get over love, you just move forward. I don’t care if its death or the end of a relationship, if its love…you don’t get over it…that’s how you know. One of the hardest experiences I have had in my life is listening to other people, articles, society tell me to “get over it” “move on” Why was this hard, because I wanted to with all my heart, but that’s not how it works. You don’t. And that advice caused a lot of suffering in my life. I thought for a while, I was crazy, or something was wrong, why couldn’t I just…move on…get over it… whatever. It’s just not how this love thing works. Real love that is. There’s all sorts of types of love, but “your person” sort of love that connection, well…its not something one can eradicate in 5 steps or thinking your way out of it. Some wounds aren’t meant to heal, and some hearts are broken open for good reason. There is always a before and after when you run into this sort of love. If I’m honest, I’m terribly jealous of those people that make it last. That’s really one of the few things that I really wanted out of life, to find my muse so to speak, and stay there…build something beautiful and artistic….ps…that wasn’t my ex husband in any sense of the word…lol. That divorce was easy. I think this is why I haven’t remarried, I know the sort of love she talks about in this TED and I won’t settle for less than that. I had it for a moment…but…well…death can come in many different ways. I understand very much what it is like to wall one self up after loss. The stiff upper lip, thank god for it, keeps us going…so we can simply get through our day. Especially when we have work and kid obligations. Loss can make us a hard nut to crack…it can also crack us open…if we let it. I believe that each of us has something inviolate (as Maya Angelou says) inside of us…sacred space, that is ours, and that wants to connect with the sacred space in someone else. This is a good thing…art and music is the instant connection to it. It reminds us…we are not alone. This is why music and art is so important…its truth…truth masquerading as something else so that we can stomach it. Most people don’t like truth, we can even be untruthful with ourselves, I know that very well, we can trick ourselves. Art and music doesn’t trick us…it can say what the sacred space wants to say. We need art in our lives…that color…that truth…is who we really are. To see others and to be seen is the greatest gift. “
I didn’t delete the App because of this message, I deleted it because…I needed space, from everyone. I needed space from my online persona, I needed space to be real. Facebook is rarely real, and I was using it the wrong way. I see it as a platform to communicate, but I was using it as a way to connect in my solitude. Connection is fine…as long as you are connecting outside of it as well. Instead, I was using it as a time suck, and addiction when I was bored, a way to take a break at work, a way to build “a persona”.
I’d rather hang out in the Lotus Room and be real. I’d rather build Magnolia House, and I was sick of my own bullshit and anything that distracted me from my soul’s calling…to create and to grow.
I was off once more on the road less traveled. Taking a different path.