I’m having an interesting realization this morning.
Most everything I’ve been doing …for a very long time is ego based. As in…done for looks…looks good on paper. Like…ummmm…everything from my job, to board work, to going out all the time…
I kinda freaked out for a second like…OMG…do I have to quit my life?
Then I figured I was having a typical libra reaction.
There must be some is me in all these ego based things.
I was wondering when you were going to realize this
Our ego is in direct in equal proportion to our insecurities, lack of self-esteem and our need for attention
So the bigger the insecurity the bigger the need for attention.
Meditation is key
“I had some serious anxiety this morning already about it.
Then weird thoughts like …what if anything big just comes from just being….
What if God isn’t actually this huge thing…but really small…but everything big comes out of it. That’s why I’m always heard that God doesn’t need our love. Always weirded me out to hear that. But the ego needs love…not ego just is love. Or pretty simple…non ego just does its thing…it’s not trying to impress anyone.
I’ve been trying to get people to like me my whole life.
This is a big change in thinking. And scares the shit out of me.”
“I can tell. But it’s going to be okay. And you’re very right in your concept of God. This is going to change everything for you. Remember we had that conversation about how people can’t let go of the world you and what that means that they do…well here you are.”
I literally just had an internal…”Well fuck”. I wasn’t ready for this yet. But I guess I am if I’m here.
This means….I start creating my “real” life and let go of the false one.
Kinda get to rebuild a lot of things.
With that said, maybe not so bad…I still like art and music and people…and writing…My way of going about liking those things may change.
“Chipping away everything that has become you to be you for the very first time”
Well. Now that I’m aware of ego…I can now look for it in everything and chip away at it. I realize the ego has been protecting 4 year old girl. Now I’ve got to give it a new job. Not quite sure what to do with an ego. Maybe It needs to go on vacation for awhile. I mean seriously…it’s been working super hard for a long time.
That is a really good idea. It’s part of just being.
Ego is more doing.
I continued with an Oh MY FUCKING GOD…Whats real….what is me, is it all fake …for a second. Then got super calm when my eyes were caught by my side saddle again in the corner.
Being doesn’t dissipate, we can’t “not be”. Even in my many egotistical mutations…being finds a way. The chaise, the saddle, the books…being is “the way”…just like love is.
Awareness of ego…is simply awareness…putting my daily focus on being instead of doing.
Well…I’m super curious as to what will happen.
As I made my daughters lunch this morning it came to me how this whole ego thing was formed.
From an early age…walking it backwards I could see every moment it gained more and more power.
And the freak out?
Was just simply seeing it for the first time and realizing…Wow…this does indeed change…everything.
Starting with my new super power…
The ability to say ….