So my moment of zen happened this week when I couldn’t get out of bed on the 4th of July.
Literally, as in my body was glued to the mattress in a wave of exhaustion I have not had since…well…not quite sure. Throw a migraine on top of it and I was out for the count.
I saw this coming two weeks ago, as my energy began to spike, as I recognized some serious deep seated childhood trauma, as I continued the awakening process. And as I was told would happen, I reverted back to old ways in one last hurrah of extreme expectation cumulating in a 25 person party in the 3rd which was orchestrated solely on my own while adopting a new dog, working, horse care, chicken care cat care, childcare, house care.
I was speeding through all my own expectations until I slammed 90 miles an hour into a brick wall of “you can’t do it all” and broke into a thousand pieces. The goo of me was scooped onto the bed and left there to somehow reform itself into…something new.
My body had rebelled, and the intoxication of my old unstructured over doing it perfectionism began to seep our of my body bit by bit as the hours ticked by.
I couldn’t go back.
I had poisoned myself with my old ways. And the mourning was, I couldn’t go back.
And I was sad for all the wasted time being something that I wasn’t.
But that was two days ago. And with meditation and consultation and awareness I am able to wobble back onto the path.
I began to recharge.
And rightly focus on the right things.
“Truth and awakening isn’t what I thought it would be.”
“It never is. It is packaged as glitter, unicorn farts and rainbows.. Sold to the public in bulk through self-help and spirituality. That’s why people don’t last that long walking the path. They get to the real part and it’s too real and too hard. Because it doesn’t, feel good, anymore.”
Reality was much more exciting then anything I had to prove. My horses, dinner with my daughter and our dog, a small but comfy house, books, quiet time, writing, music. Moving slowly on weekends. Being aware of who is a partner on the path…and who is just a stray looking for a bite to eat before disappearing into the unknown.
Knowing I’m exactly two months old in this new awareness, so I have to take care of myself. Feed myself good food, take time for sleep, know that everyone and everything the Universe wants me to have will be there at the right time. That I don’t have to work hard for true now friends, we just enjoy each other and want to spend time together.
And when people from my past try to friend me, ones where my inner radar is Leary, I simply delete the request. Like I did last night. That’s called…self care, and after I did it, I felt amazing. I don’t have space in my life for people who want me to heal them, rather then taking the time to heal themselves.
I’m happy to share and walk a path side by side, but that’s a give and take, not a “take and take” or “give and give”.
It’s a mutual sharing. The healing for me is my loss of appetite for unhealthy things.
Unhealthy to me isn’t that you are perfect or in some sort of spiritual zen state…it’s is that one lacks awareness or the ability to reflect.
Awareness is the key, and being vulnerable enough to open up and discuss those thing.
Namaste dear ones, stay away from glitter, the work is sometimes hard, but worth it, especially when you find your path home.